On working through a moment of awareness

I think you might have forgotten.

And I am not sure that's ok.

I don't want it to matter but I'm ashamed to say it does.

I wish I didn't care.  But I do.

Damn.

I'd like to think my helping was out of pure generosity of spirit.

But to my horror I'm discovering that it wasn't - that my ego was in there too.

As I hear you mention how you've grown, and I listen to your story told as if I wasn't part of it, it hurts.

Bugger.

I wish that I could rejoice in your growth without wanting you to be grateful for my contribution. But I can't.

Shit.  I'm not the man I'd like to be.

Perhaps it's true the way you tell it. Maybe I was fooling myself that I made a difference. Maybe I really didn't.

And now I know I was fooling myself that it was enough to offer my attention without return.  I did want something back, I just didn't acknowledge that in myself.

 

And now I notice that I have again lost my curiosity. As the extent of my ego and my attachments become clearer, my judgement  of myself grows.  Who am I if I cannot simply give without needing your gratitude?

How easily I fooled myself.

I feel a bit lost.  Where do I go from here?

Well....

I still choose to give of myself.  Despite your memory or perception, and my ego. I realise the wrench of being closed and ungenerous is much greater than the pain of my relevance being forgotten.  Or even the disappointment of being irrelevant.

In fact I stand for it.

Thank you. The absence of your explicit recognition has helped me to step into a more choice-full space. And I do rejoice in your growth, without conditions or pain. How wonderful it is and how delighted I am.

And I will remember, with ego and with love, my intended contribution.

Comments

[MaggieJones]

I love this one. It speaks to me.